Having a successful roommate relationship is your opportunity to practice the arts of communication, compromise and living in a community. Living with friends can truly be tougher than living with strangers. That is why we encourage everyone going into any roommate relationship (regardless of how much experience you have in sharing a room) to do some prep work.

First off, try out the "Three Step" method to building the foundation of a successful roommate relationship:

1. The Introductory Step: Call or visit your roommate, and please, don’t just e-mail each other. While an e-mail is a great way to make arrangements for the first interaction, the visit should be done in person or via telephone. This first contact should be simply introductory in nature. Share basic information about yourself, where you are from, how many siblings you have, what you enjoy doing as extracurricular activities, etc. When listening, be open minded to what you new roommate is telling you about himself or herself. This is a time to get to know each other, not pass judgment.
2. The Housekeeping Step: This is the time to talk about what you want to bring to your room/apartment to set up your place in a manner that is both homey and practical. Remember, your room is not huge, so you should be conscious of what you are bringing to campus. Also, make sure to abide by all residential policies. This is a great time to start to discuss your expectations regarding sharing.
3. The Real Conversation: Open up about what you are like when you are stressed or having a bad day. If you don’t know how to describe yourself, then ask your parents, your siblings or your best friends to help you. Share what you expect from people when you are sad or upset about something (for instance, do you like your space, or do you prefer to have someone to speak to). Talk about what is making you nervous about the year to come and what you are truly looking forward to. This conversation is the toughest to have but can be the most important.

Once you have had these conversations, take time to create a roommate agreement.

Finding Common Ground

"For this is why we were born: people, all people, belong to each other, and he who shuts himself away diminishes himself, and he who shuts another away from him destroys himself." – Howard Thurman

Howard Thurman’s sentiments are very appropriate in various circumstances, and in the case of building a successful roommate relationship, they ring very true. Living with someone who is different than you are is a challenge, but living with someone who is seemingly the same as you is also a challenge. Consider living with a person who is different than you are as being an opportunity to learn about another culture or race or background. In addition, use this as a tool to learn more about yourself.

Remember, you are not the first (or the last) person to live with someone different than yourself. You can be successful at it as long as you keep an open mind and make being an effective communicator a priority.

Creating a Roommate Agreement

A roommate agreement can help you and your roommate(s) develop common goals and guidelines for living in your room. Use this roommate agreement as you get to know your roommate(s). Your resident assistant (RA) can assist you and your roommate(s) in developing a roommate agreement that will work best for your room.

If you and your roommate(s) are strangers or if you chose to live together it is worth the time to review the agreement together. Make no assumptions what it will be like to live with someone no matter how well you know each other.

Once you make up a roommate agreement, it will only be successful if you and your roommate(s) adhere to the guidelines that you set. Post it somewhere in the room where you will see it and can review it occasionally.

Click here to download and then print out your own roommate agreement.

Some proven tips on living with roommates

College is the first time that many people experience sharing a room and their personal space for the first time. This is new and uncharted territory. If you are stressed about it, say it! You are not alone. If your roommate(s) share with you that they are nervous about this experience, listen, and tell them how you are feeling. Communication is the key to a successful roommate relationship.

The following are key areas where conflict and tensions can arise in a room, suite or apartment. Consider how you feel about each of these areas and communicate with your roommate(s) about where you draw the line on each issue. When they share with you, be open minded so you can more effectively consider where they are coming from.

• Belongings: To share or not to share? That is the question. Some items (i.e. clothing and jewelry) may be off limits, while others (i.e. the Television) are considered common and shared by all. Make no assumptions, however, and be sure you know where your roommate is coming from with this issue. Set parameters and expectations on sharing from the very beginning of the relationship.
• Sleeping and Study Habits: Some people can sleep through a rock concert. Others, need complete darkness and silence. Be sure to communicate what you need with roommates. Keep in mind what happens in the morning as well as what happens at night. For instance, you may be able to fall asleep with music and the lights on, but in the morning, you may not be able to sleep through the commotion of your roommate getting ready for class.
  When it comes to studying, everyone has their own habits, and when in college you are going to find that your study and time management skills fluctuate. As you change, let your roommate(s) know as this may very well impact how they go about their studying and work.
• Guests: First of all be sure that you have read and understand the guest policy. If you don’t understand it, please speak to your resident assistant or your residence hall director, they will be happy to help you. Once you are clear on the policy, take some time to speak with your roommate(s) about guests and how often guests may come to visit. Some other issues to consider when it comes to guests:
• Are there times and specific dates when guests cannot be in the room (for instance prior to exams)?
• Are you comfortable with overnight guests of the opposite sex spending the night in your room?
• Can guests come over when you are not in the room?
• Can guests use your bed when you are not in the room?
• Is there a limit on how many guests you are comfortable with being in the room?
• Cleaning: Whether you are fanatical about having a clean room, or if you are more laid back about how your room looks, you need to realize something: your roommate may be the opposite from you. Cleanliness is an area where compromise is going to come into play. We encourage roommates to come up with a cleaning schedule and stick to it! If your parents have cleaned your room your entire life, this is a great learning opportunity for you as you live on your own.

Communication is the Key in Times of Conflict

Effective communication involves both talking and listening. Even if you’ve laid a great foundation for your roommate relationship there are times where miscommunication and difficulties could arise. If an issue develops, follow these steps:

1. Speak directly to your roommate quickly if a problem occurs. Never talk about your roommate or the issue behind their back, because this creates a strain on the trust in the relationship.
2. Use "When, I feel, because" statements. For instance:
   • When you borrow my sweater without asking
   • I feel ignored
   • Because I told you that I would prefer you not wearing my clothing
   These types of statements are less personal and get to the point.
3. Come to a solution where both individuals feel comfortable with the outcome.
4. Respect differences, and seek to reach a common ground. Remember, everyone has different values, lifestyles and expectations, but if you continue to work on building a respectful relationship, you will be more successful.

If you are unable to resolve your conflict, then bring it to your RA's attention. They are trained to assist you, and if you would prefer they can bring the senior RA or the residence hall director in to help reach a successful conclusion.

Roommate Success Kit
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