3 September 2002
The President
Campbell Soup Company
Camden, New Jersey 08103-1701
Dear Sir:
Recently
I purchased several cans of Campbell's
Chunky "Soup That Eats Like a Meal," attracted
by the bold yellow headline on the cans.
I knew that this stunt would really thrill
my children.
Unfortunately,
when I opened the first can, it ate nothing!
It refused to eat! I then heated it; still
no eating. We gathered around the pot
to watch, but it did not respond. A little
steam and bubbling, but no nibbling, not
a lick.
I
decided that I had opened a defective
can, so I tried another, this time the
Sirloin Burger with Country Vegetables.
Again my children prepared for the magical
experience, although first I explained
that there are few city vegetables in
most canned soups. Perhaps Camden, New
Jersey, has more generous backyards, suitable
for urban vegetable farms, than we do
here in San Francisco.
The
Chunky Burger with Country Vegetables
also refused to eat, both cold from the
can and gently warmed in the pot. I kept
on heating and it overflowed onto my stove
(clean-up time, kids!) but I don't blame
the Campbell Soup Company for this. I
was desperate you see.
To
make sure it was not a problem with my
understanding of the English language,
I sent one of the more responsible of
my children to the dictionary. He confirmed
that "eat" is an active verb, a transitive
verb, "to eat" in the infinitive form,
and that it takes a direct object. Sir
or Madam: Two successive cans of "Soup
That Eats Like a Meal" refused to perform
as advertised.
I
then called the 800 line listed on the
can, hoping that your employee would be
able to explain the problem. She seemed
almost as upset by my experience as I
was. This may not be one of the complaints
your staff is authorized to deal with.
Perhaps I had merely been unlucky, opening
two non-eating cans of Campbell's Chunky
in a row. She seemed to be taking notes
on the data I provided. She asked me for
the bar code on the label. She promised
that someone higher in the Campbell Soup
Company chain of command will explain
the defect.
I
hope you don't want me to mail the contents
of the two cans of failed Chunky to you
for lab analysis, although I suppose one
of your trained veterinarians could pick
them up at my apartment before they get
too stinky.
I
am waiting to hear.
Sincerely yours,
Herbert Gold
